INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
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[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
jesus christ confetti not now
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”