INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.


Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?


My wife Googled “how responsible does a 10yr old need to be to stay at home without a babysitter” and now she won’t let me stay home alone.


Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.


[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this



y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that


robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest