[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
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Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Breaking news:
Good Morning.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.