[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
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I have questions??
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…