inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
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Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
#parenting
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
#milo
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
If I ignore life will it go away?
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist