@PleaseBeGneiss

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

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@Irish_Dinosaur

“you should be more serious, sir. this is arson.” “no this is MY son!” *tousles his hair* “ha ha ha. so how many houses did the rascal burn”

@BigJDubz

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

@AudreyPorne

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

@Donnie_Fairburn

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

@daplusk

The most uncomfortable part of seeing your work colleague crying at their desk is asking them if it’s because they’re named Ralph

@JohnLyonTweets

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

@WilliamAder

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

@WilliamAder

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

@Parkerlawyer

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing