Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
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Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I’ve had worse
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Yup….perfect score!
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am