@realfunghi

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!

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@thatUPSdude

Turns out HR doesn’t care if it’s national underwear day, you have to wear pants to work.

@JohnLyonTweets

I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.

@i_zzzzzz

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

@FireBeets

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot

@DJRotaryRachel

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

@somelightcrying

Ever find a mirror that makes you look really good and you’re like oh OK this is where I live now I live in this airport restroom now

@Gupton68

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

@ItsAndyRyan

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

@don_haworth

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

@GeorgeTakei

Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”