If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
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[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.