Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
You Might Also Like
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Saturday
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.