Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
You Might Also Like
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
plant them where lol
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
based al yankovic
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
“A little help here, Danny?”