INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
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Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Beware of the “party goblin”…
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
The funk soul brother
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.