@KentWGraham: If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

@Darlainky: I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted. It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay. You win again, life.

@sara_ashlynn: My daughter said, "You're the best mommy ever!" I'm really proud that she's learning sarcasm at such a young age.

@joeljeffrey: If I was a sniper, I'd probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

@noog: God: Don't eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead [20 min later] Adam: Sooo hungry Eve: Me too Adam: That apple looks good