INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

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*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.


Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.


How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.


Being in your 40’s is playing a constant game of, why does this hurt? Is the color of this ok? Where did this hair come from?


When asked which is more important looks or brains? 9 out of 10 zombies said “braaaaiiiiinnnnssss” number 10 ate the researcher.


AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables


GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.


Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.


I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.