@jonnysun

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

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@BGH70

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

@MissMalbec

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

@karlainvt

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

@Jessdaisy

Being in your 40’s is playing a constant game of, why does this hurt? Is the color of this ok? Where did this hair come from?

@Asbo_Unicorn

When asked which is more important looks or brains? 9 out of 10 zombies said “braaaaiiiiinnnnssss” number 10 ate the researcher.

@tastefactory

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey

@AndrewNadeau0

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

@NerishaLakha

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

@ConanOBrien

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.