INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

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I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.


(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay


I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?


ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?


ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows


Me: oh hi! Did you come over because I’m sad? How do you always know when I need you?

Cat: get me my damn jingle mouse.

Me: I love you too


It’s okay if “buoyancy” makes you happy — whatever floats your boat.


ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.


I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.