I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
[Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out
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To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
[ear is bleeding for 3 days straight] hmm better keep an eye on that.
[laptop slow for one second] i gotta run AdWare & antivirus right now
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I just think of unfollowers as me paying my Follower Tax.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
What I would do if I had a falcon