“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
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My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No