[Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out

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I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.


To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”


me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no


[ear is bleeding for 3 days straight] hmm better keep an eye on that.
[laptop slow for one second] i gotta run AdWare & antivirus right now


[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot


Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.


*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”


Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread