Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
[Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out
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Apparently, when your boss asks you to get a cake for a coworker’s 60th birthday, ‘cake’ is not code for ‘stripper.’
Live & learn, guys.
Thanks to home security commercials, I am now terrified of middle aged white men.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
[internet] if u liked this story on cows dressed as plumbers..
[me] I did
[i] here’s a story on panda cops
[barely containing my glee] go on
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face!
I love Sharpie markers.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Boyfriend is sitting by his computer eating sausage with Wikipedia opened to the page “Sausage.”