@Home_Halfway

[Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out

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@DirtMcTurd

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

@3sunzzz

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

@JohnLyonTweets

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

@tastefactory

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

@psybermonkey

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

@Sean_Burgundy_

Loan shark: If you’re late my guys will …

Me: Tell my gf my phone password?

LS: Break every bone in your body

M: Oh. Yeah that’s fine

@BDGarp

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

@dreamthievin

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

@VodkaShorebird

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.