*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
[Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out
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Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Loan shark: If you’re late my guys will …
Me: Tell my gf my phone password?
LS: Break every bone in your body
M: Oh. Yeah that’s fine
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.