“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
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I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I have typed “haha” like a million times, but yet you continually give me “haga”, “hsha”, “gaga”, “hahss”, “hahs”
I hate you
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”