@iamspacegirl

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

You Might Also Like

@Kyle_Lippert

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

@theNuzzy

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

@SortaBad

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

@jazmasta

Dear iPhone,

I have typed “haha” like a million times, but yet you continually give me “haga”, “hsha”, “gaga”, “hahss”, “hahs”

I hate you

@_BurnsWhenIPee

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

@UnFitz

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

@kelkulus

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

@junejuly12

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

@jimmytorosian

*phone rings*

Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”

Wife: “….”