inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
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My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I’m not alone. I have ants.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.