Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
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Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
My birthstone is kidney
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.