INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
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If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.