The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
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Just stopped a monk from opening a flower shop.
Only YOU can prevent florist friars.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me