INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
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Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Google assistant rules
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers