@DrCephalopod

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

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@carlyken

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

@imalittleginger

Just stopped a monk from opening a flower shop.
Only YOU can prevent florist friars.

@david8hughes

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

@wolfpupy

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

@HatfieldAnne

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

@TweetPotato314

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

@AddledPixie

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

@Michael1979

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me