inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
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me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
satan: not today, microsoft teams
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Day 2 of my diet
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car