inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
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Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.