inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
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I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.