@stevevsninjas

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

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@jwoodham

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.

@Sean_Burgundy_

[ Skydiving ]

Instructor: SIR. You can’t just jump out without your equipment on

Me: *Shows him text of gf saying “We need to talk”

@80sjams

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

@JohnLyonTweets

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

@Reverend_Scott

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

@roxiqt

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.

@UncleDuke1969

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

@Ochie2S

[Brings date back to my place]

Date: It’s kinda cold in here

Me: Why don’t you join me under this blanket?

Date: eh..I dunno

Me: *shaking mom awake* can you scooch over abit

@HatfieldAnne

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils