@DrakeGatsby

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

- @DrakeGatsby

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@hashtag_stacks

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

@EndhooS

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

@CaucasianJames

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

@ArfMeasures

Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

@YourDailyGroan

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

@alrightbob

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

@slimmy_shady

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

@CrissieC

Your secrets safe with me..

I stopped listening to you 30 minutes ago…