Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
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disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before