[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
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[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
hey, alexa
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly