The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
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Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I just ran over a dog. At first I felt bad, but then I realized it was my Ex…
I imagine colonoscopies are accompanied by the theme music from the underground level of Super Mario Bros.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Nowhere is it more evident
That the middle finger
IS a suitable mode of communication
Than when driving to work
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related