@mrjohndarby

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

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@RubyBottoms

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

@AmericanGent69

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

@lizetagge

I just ran over a dog. At first I felt bad, but then I realized it was my Ex…

@LionJenkins

I imagine colonoscopies are accompanied by the theme music from the underground level of Super Mario Bros.

@sarah_edo

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

@fro_vo

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

@SingleGirlAlert

Nowhere is it more evident
That the middle finger
IS a suitable mode of communication
Than when driving to work

@Aikiwomannc

2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?

Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?

2020: How’s your back?

Me: Damn it!

2020: *teehee*

@vangobot

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training