My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
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All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
No, I’m not “lackadaisical”, I’m lazy, which is the same only 3 whole syllables less.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Me: *marking chart*
Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
What if this is just the practice pandemic?