inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
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I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
how to market bottled water to dads
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Weighing up my bread heating options
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg