inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

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My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.


When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.


No, I’m not “lackadaisical”, I’m lazy, which is the same only 3 whole syllables less.


I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.


if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it


I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.


Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot

Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*