inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
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HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.