Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
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*jingles half the way*
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do