@flashember

[inventor of the zoo]

*sees deer gamboling freely through the forest and exotic birds flying blissfully through the air*

this has to stop

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@Xoolun

Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.

Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.

@Rollinintheseat

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

@elle91

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

@i_wantMyBiitch

I gently slid her panties to the side….

so that I cud fit the rest of her socks in the drawer.

@I_Bl33d_Purple

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

@elunatyk

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

@TheTweetOfGod

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

@TheAlexP

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

@Ms_Moneypenny_

Who says you can’t make someone love you?

I’ve got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.