[inventor of the zoo]

*sees deer gamboling freely through the forest and exotic birds flying blissfully through the air*

this has to stop

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Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.

Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.


I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.


When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been


I gently slid her panties to the side….

so that I cud fit the rest of her socks in the drawer.


At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.


Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.


Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.


Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.


Who says you can’t make someone love you?

I’ve got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.