Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
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When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
my sentiments exactly
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
God, I love Scotland
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.