Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

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Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags


Pavlov: the dogs salivate when I ring a bell

Me: weird. Why?

Pavlov: they connect two unrelated events due to repeated conditioning

Me: haha stupid animals

Pavlov: the experiment took 69 days

Me: nice


There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.


It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.


Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?


*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”


I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.


You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug


They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.


If Twitter was any more fun we’d have to smuggle it in from Mexico.