@Angibangie

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

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@Ciara_Knight

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

@vaginadental

Pavlov: the dogs salivate when I ring a bell

Me: weird. Why?

Pavlov: they connect two unrelated events due to repeated conditioning

Me: haha stupid animals

Pavlov: the experiment took 69 days

Me: nice

@o__0Dev

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

@JiminyKicksIt

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

@HpHubert

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

@preritpathak

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

@carlyken

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

@pixelatedboat

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

@mommajessiec

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

@GingerGander

If Twitter was any more fun we’d have to smuggle it in from Mexico.