@JessObsess

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

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@TheAliciaKraft

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

@GlennyRodge

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

@jimmytorosian

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End

@videodante

sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

@blondediva11

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

@dril

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

@TragicAllyHere

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

@novicefather

Nomenclature is important when courting a lady. For example, “feminine scent” and “feminine odor” are perceived differently. You’re welcome.