*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
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Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Me :
All Day At Night
i now pronounce you bounced.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.