[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
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For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Mad Max Arctic Road
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT