*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
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asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now