An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
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Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.