Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.