Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
You Might Also Like
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
scenes of unspeakable carnage
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Can’t, holding a grudge
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.