Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
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There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
translated into Canadian
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?