invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
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I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good