invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
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I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”