@andylassner

iPhone 6: For people who don’t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.

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@audipenny

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

@pleatedjeans

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

@Angibangie

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

@PinkCamoTO

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

@Dutch_50

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

@Sharronica

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

@WheelTod

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Her: I’m going to the gym

Me: Bring me back something from the vending machine

@Donna_McCoy

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.