@andylassner

iPhone 6: For people who don’t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.

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@Snarfernini

You’re nice, cute & single?
Can you introduce me to your friend who looks like he’d never return my texts? Yeah the one with the girlfriend.

@ArfMeasures

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what

@Contwixt

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

@seriouslyemily

I like my men like I like my packets of instant oatmeal: Chunky and knowledgeable with facts about dinosaurs.”

@mrjohndarby

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

@trevso_electric

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

@ShaneKnowsStuff

I don’t know about you, but I always watch my garage door go all the way down in case a murderer tries to roll in at the last minute.

@Tmoney68

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.