You’re nice, cute & single?
Can you introduce me to your friend who looks like he’d never return my texts? Yeah the one with the girlfriend.
iPhone 6: For people who don’t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
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Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Willy Wonka: what
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I like my men like I like my packets of instant oatmeal: Chunky and knowledgeable with facts about dinosaurs.”
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I don’t know about you, but I always watch my garage door go all the way down in case a murderer tries to roll in at the last minute.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.