iPhone 6: For people who don’t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.

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It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.


Guy in USA:(phone) you ready?
Guy in Australia: (phone) hell yeah
*each drop a piece of bread onto ground*


I just want to rub all over you……..

……..with the front end of my car.


You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof


Her: What did you do for fun in college?

Me [remembers organizing 10,000 baseball cards in order of career batting average]: had sex, got high


Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?


BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you


My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!


Me: (Sigh) There she is.

Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.

Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!


if we’re on a date and you’re rude to the waiter I’d be like holy shit I’m on a date