My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
You Might Also Like
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
What?
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
the #horror is real!
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.