iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
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me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
My sex drive has a dui
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.