@Everette

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

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@JillianKarger

“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”

-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses

@rachelle_mandik

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

@thegoodgodabove

It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.

@lmwortho

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

@DanMentos

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

@mydmac

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

@IncrediblyRich

I’m going to skip home tonight because sometimes life is seriously brilliant. *throws confetti*