iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

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“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”

-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses


the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all


It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.


I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.


judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor


Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.


I’m going to skip home tonight because sometimes life is seriously brilliant. *throws confetti*