iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
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My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol