Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
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Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive