I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
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*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
The Compass
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.