iPhone X
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My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist