I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He’s still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.
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My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, “who is he talking to?” then i thought “who am I talking to?”
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
My cat just told me to stop talking during the movie.
Maybe homemade psychedelics were a bad idea
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door