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@SassyPantssss

I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He’s still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.

@Contwixt

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

@walterjean182

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

@TheCatWhisprer

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

@zachv86

i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, “who is he talking to?” then i thought “who am I talking to?”

@flashember

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

@Ilovelamp1979

My cat just told me to stop talking during the movie.

Maybe homemade psychedelics were a bad idea

@MrNickNo

That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.

@LittleLostLad

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

@markedly

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door