My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
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What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs