Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
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Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow