Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
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Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.