Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
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my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.