Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
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If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.