Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
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“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.