iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
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[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.