Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
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my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Every time my phone rings
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.